The Way Out of Codependency Is Choosing Yourself First


Many people struggle with people-pleasing patterns in relationships. Seeking validation and approval from others is a common way this works to deteriorate both relationships and self-worth. This kind of codependency causes difficulties and problems in all areas of life.

What can you do to get out of codependency to have healthy and whole relationships? You must learn how to be first with yourself.

Ending codependency is about breaking behavioral energy patterns.

The ways you exude codependent tendencies are going to change. Especially as you work through a healing process of self-love. Because that unworthy root is deep down inside you. And it has been there for a long time.

The more I study self-help, personal development, and self-Love the more I learn that this is a process. It takes your life to conquer.

This is comforting to know and embrace

After realizing that some of the worst relationship pain I’ve had was/is caused by my own codependent patterns, I can let go of bitterness and resentment against others. It’s in taking responsibility for yourself, your patterns, and your lack of self-love where real healing takes place.

This was one of the key principles taught in my book Be Solid: How To Go Through Hell & Come Out Whole. In the pit of despair and the hell of heartbreak, when you feel completely unworthy and are full of rejection, self-pity kicks into high gear. It’s one of the causes of blame, resentment, bitterness, and deep complaining.

Which still requires a focus and intention practiced daily. It’s a matter of growing in self-awareness and being mindful of your own individual tendencies.

Many of these tendencies are patterns you’ve been doing since early childhood. They were modeled to you by your parents, teachers, peers, and cultural programming. You watched other people behave in ways that were unhealthy, dysfunctional, and even toxic.

How codependency began during your early years

In your early childhood development, typically age 0-8, you have no filter on what’s healthy or not. You’re a human sponge. So whatever you learn you absorb into your mind and subconsciously believe that to be true.

This is why so much of our adult lives (in the realm of personal growth and healing) are to undo the patterns of our childhood. As we grow, we reshape our energy to flow in the frequency of health, wholeness, and Love.

One element of codependency is a people-pleasing attitude. You aren’t settled unless you feel like everyone else’s needs and wants are taken care of. You’ll go way out of your way to try to make them feel good, or not experience discomfort.

As I’ve grown in overcoming life-long codependent tendencies, I’m still seeing places in my life where these patterns pop up.

One is a needy attitude that can come through when I feel specific people’s level of discomfort. These specific people are those who are in my closest physical proximity, and also those I have the closest relationships with.

I can find myself wanting to make sure that they’re ok, even getting to where I ask that question “Are you ok?” repeatedly.

It’s annoying. I know it’s annoying because I feel it in my bones when I reflect on my day. It annoys me to be in this place where I’m overly concerned that someone else is feeling well, which they usually are.

But overthinking and codependent tendencies can limit my ability to see correctly and get out of my own head.

Why we get in our own way in relationships

These dysfunctional patterns are huge contributors to that.

While I was modeled these patterns and adopted them into the way that I operate unconsciously, it’s my responsibility to change them. And no one else’s.

Which means there’s no one to blame for my codependent nature. There’s no one to judge. There’s no one to be upset with.

Not even with myself. It’s responsibility and grace, not blame or judgment.

When you practice this way of treating yourself with grace, your energy shifts.

It’s one of the key methods of practicing self-Love that truly transforms you. It all begins with keen awareness.

I have found myself being needy in my texting conversations at times. The little emojis that we can put on texts received as a way to say “I Love this” or “That’s right!” or “That’s funny” can make codependent folks like me long for that kind of response to every message.

Do you find yourself wondering why someone will heart a series of your text messages and then not do anything, not even reply?

There’s some codependency in that behavior pattern. Whether you want to recognize it or not.

Because ultimately our relationships thrive when there is complete freedom in them. But if you have this need to receive a certain kind of reply without feeling like the connection is still strong, you’re operating from codependency.

It’s at least worth digging into through reflection and soul-meditation. Checking with yourself, your higher power, and GOD (aka Almighty Love) to ask if your patterns are codependent or healthy is a great way to do this. Listen to what response you get.

What do you do if you have codependent tendencies?

One thing about these types of patterns is that they are teachers and indicators. Like the warning or notification lights in your car that tells you that you need to check your tire pressure, change your oil, or you’re running low on fluids. These patterns can reveal places inside your life where you aren’t showing yourself the Love you deserve and need.

When a part of you doesn’t feel Loved, it whines out in different ways. Awareness and reflection will help you see areas of your life where this is prevalent. Or where you have a tendency of behaving this way.

Neediness can be off-putting, especially if it continues over a long time. We want to be around people who are strong in themselves, who operate out of confidence and self-assuredness.

They don’t need anything from anyone else and it’s just easy to be around them. They’re also people who are generally relied on more because their inner strength sends out a frequency of stability that everyone is drawn to.

When you are someone who is constantly putting everyone else’s needs and concerns over your own well-being, you’re emitting a frequency pattern that is draining and suffocating. It can be difficult to be around, even when you’re with people who love you with their whole hearts.

That’s why it’s important to check in with yourself

And when you find yourself operating with a needy vibe, step back and affirm yourself with love.

It’s your responsibility to fill your spirit, heart, mind, and body with the LOVE energy you were born from.

The source of Love that is GOD is where this Love comes from. Tap into it. Be filled to overflow. Then give to others from the overflow.

Image courtesy of ThisisEngineering RAEng

Codependent tendencies and patterns are teachers

These patterns show you where your measure of inner Love is at. Fill up your tank. Go to GOD and ask for Love. Go to yourself and reaffirm who you are. “I am Love” is a powerful affirmation to bring Love energy into your being.

Don’t just say the words. Get in the energetic field of Love. Think of someone you love more than anything. Feel the love you have for them in your heart, in your body. Let that feeling take over. Give that feeling of Love to yourself.

Practice feeling the immenseness of deep love and practice giving to yourself. Feel this deep love as you proclaim “I am Love. I am one with Love. Only Love is inside of me. My cup overflows with Love from GOD and makes me awesome!!!”

Say these affirmations out loud, with absolute certainty in their truth. Feel them!

This is how you heal your heart and refill your tank of Love. Do the proactive work of healing your energy to get into the vibration of Love and out of the negative space of desperation, where toxicity can derail your relationships and your well-being.

As you enjoy the overflow, the feelings of unworthiness and codependency are stripped away of their power.

And only Love remains.

*Originally published on dgrantsmith.com.


D Grant Smith is known as the Growth Farmer, which means he has an old-fashioned approach to living a whole & healthy life. Get his free ebook called Love Is The Seed To Success, that gives help in healing relationships and growing healthy ones. His new book Be Solid: How To Go Through Hell & Come Out Whole is about the journey into self-love and self-care after heartbreak and personal loss. He’s an empowerment superhero who would love to give you encouragement so feel free to reach out!

Feature image is custom-made from canva.com using free images.

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