Month: October 2021

SoulTalk with Kute Blackson Ep. 199: “How To Heal From Pain & Trauma Through The Art of Compassion”

Mindfulness is that spacious attention that says, “Yes, this is what’s here and who I am as the loving witness of it all.”

Episode Summary: ‘Love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at it’s best is love.’

In This Episode You Will Learn: How to let go of the pain and traumas of life. A key practice to help you forgive yourself, and others. How to develop compassion and tenderness even in the most difficult times. What is the real meaning of mindfulness and of meditation and the difference between. How to navigate through an overwhelming impulse or addiction. The role of plant medicine in spiritual development and the healing process. A few misconceptions and myths about the term enlightenment and where to find your true internal bliss.

 

The post SoulTalk with Kute Blackson Ep. 199: “How To Heal From Pain & Trauma Through The Art of Compassion” appeared first on Jack Kornfield.

Only 1% Of Americans Do This Essential Daily Habit


​Only 3% of Americans have written goals.

Only 1% of Americans rewrite their goals on a daily basis.

Giving yourself even five minutes per day to orient your life in the direction of your goals is the difference between success and average.

If you don’t give yourself time, every single day, to orient your life in the direction you want to go, then you will default to former habits and patterns.

Life gets busy.

Life is stressful.

It’s easy to forget what you really want.

It’s easy to disconnect from your purpose and priorities.

It’s easy to fall into autopilot and go through the motions.

It’s easy to watch several weeks or months go by and realize you haven’t made much progress on your goals.

It’s easy to let the little fundamentals slip.

It’s easy to default to consumption rather than organizing your life and environment for creation.

It’s easy to focus on the constraints of your circumstances rather than the power of your capabilities.

Distraction fuels the need for more distraction.

Addiction is an endless vacuum.

Indecision and inaction lead to a loss of confidence, motivation, and hope.

Success Is a Choice

Choosing to be successful isn’t a moral decision.

You can be a good person or a bad person and be focused on your goals.

You can be a good person and choose to be average.

It’s really your choice, the life you will live.

It’s your choice if you’re going to be happy.

It’s your choice if you’re going to be healthy.

It’s your choice if you’re going to be financially successful.

The decisions you make right now are a direct reflection of the person you will be in one, three, five, ten, and 20 years from now.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you’re looking at your former selves’ choices, actions, and habits.

Staying the Course

​It’s fundamentally impossible to stay on a straight course without continually checking in to see how you’re doing.

If you’re not reviewing your goals on a daily basis, then I can guarantee that your behavior and performance is suboptimal.

Without clarity of direction and purpose, behavior and motivation become erratic.

Without orienting yourself first thing in the morning with who you are and what you’re about, you will be going through the motions.

You’ll be disconnected from your purpose.

You’ll be disconnected in your relationships.

You’ll lack motivation and conviction.

You’ll allow low-level influences, activities, and actions to creep into your life.

On an occasional basis when triggered by something random in the environment, you’ll remember your goals and dreams.

You’ll feel a quick rush of excitement and enthusiasm to get back on track.

You may even engage in some powerful behaviors — like sending positive and helpful messages to key relationships, going to the gym, writing in your journal, or taking action toward a goal.

But unless you establish a lifestyle of reviewing, remembering, and engaging with your goals and purpose daily, you will make minimal progress.

In order to make extreme progress, you need momentum.

In order to get momentum, you need to be consistent.

Not just consistent, but you need to continually be getting better.

In order to get better, you need goals that you’re actively pushing toward. For example, many people go to the gym but have no goals. They are simply moving their body and not getting better.

In the book Turning Pro, Steven Pressfield said,

“Addictions embody repetition without progress.”

Doing something over and over may be how you develop a habit. But habits don’t guarantee success.

Habits, if unchecked, actually create apathy, boredom, and a lack of engagement. Habits can lead to mindlessness.

Consistency, not habits, is what you’re after. You want to consistently show up and push through your current level.

You want to get yourself focused and clear on what you want to achieve. You then need to fuel that focus by taking powerful and bold actions, daily, toward your goals.

As you take action toward your goals, your identity will change. You’ll quickly begin to see yourself as the person you intend to become.

Your personality will change.

Your expectations will change.

Your confidence will change.

Your subconscious will change.

Your results will change.

Your environment will change.

You’ll be able to produce results, easily, that once took enormous effort.

Your new normal will be beyond what your former selves’ dreams were.

Your standards for yourself and your flexibility and empathy toward others will improve.

Your appreciation for life will deepen. Your ability to feel and love will grow.

Your reasons for living will change. You’ll stop focusing on what you can get and simply try to be as helpful as you possibly can.

You’ll shift from consuming to creating.

You’ll stop focusing on your present circumstances and focus on the leverage you have to create new circumstances for yourself and others.

You’ll change your life more for the sake of others than for yourself. You’ll hold yourself to a higher standard so you can perform better work.

You’ll eat better because you can’t put regular fuel in a Ferrari.

Your goals will become bigger and longer term.

Confidence can be measured by how far out your goals are.

Most people are living day to day because they don’t have the confidence to see and believe in a bigger future.

Confidence can be earned, but it must be earned every single day.

You can create confidence with the choices you make, and you can lose confidence with the choices you make.

Your confidence reflects your self-trust.

The more you trust yourself, the more willing you will be to do things that are beyond your current capability.

The less you trust yourself, the less willing you will be to make decisions and commitments.

Conclusion

When was the last time you wrote your goals?

Did you write them down this morning?

Did you set yourself up last night for success, or were you numb in distractions?

Do you really love yourself?

Do you care about yourself?

If so, then why wouldn’t you become successful?

Why wouldn’t you create a better life for yourself?

Why wouldn’t you get clear on who you are, what you stand for, and what you want?

Why wouldn’t you crystallize that clarity and create the confidence to actually create a better future and life for yourself?

Why wouldn’t you upgrade your standards and let go of the low-level influences and choices holding you back?

Make the Decision

This is one choice that will influence all others.

Make the decision to start your day by writing your goals down.

Then do your best throughout the day to align your daily behaviors with your future dreams.

As you take daily steps toward your goals, your confidence will increase. As your confidence increases, your belief that you will succeed will grow.

Your identity will change.

Your environment will change.

Your brain will change.

You will change.

You will succeed.


Dr. Benjamin Hardy is an organizational psychologist and bestselling author of Willpower Doesn’t Work. His blogs have been read by over 100 million people and are featured on Forbes, Fortune, CNBC, Cheddar, Big Think, and many others. He is a regular contributor to Inc. and Psychology Today and from 2015-2018, he was the #1 writer, in the world, on Medium.com. He and his wife Lauren adopted three children through the foster system in February 2018 and, one month later, Lauren became pregnant with twins, who were born in December of 2018. They live in Orlando.

Image courtesy of Judit Peter.

People-Pleasing: A Trauma Response, and How to Stop It

BY SOFO ARCHON

People pleasing

Just the other day I saw an interesting meme. It showed a young man building a cage around himself. And on top of it, the following was written:

The expectations of others were the bars I used for my own cage.

The meme reminded me of a situation many people — perhaps yourself included — find themselves in: trying to please others, while harming themselves in the process.

There’s a term to describe that kind of behavior: it’s called people-pleasing, and it usually starts in our early childhood.

Where People-Pleasing Comes From

When we were children, we had certain needs, primarily to be protected and provided for. But sadly, many of us grew up in an unsafe, unstable or abusive environment that made us experience a lot of stress and suffering.

To create a safer environment, we learned to please the people closest to us, such as our parents and siblings. Therefore, people-pleasing can be seen as a trauma response, an adaptive coping mechanism that serves a tremendously important reason: to help us deal with situations our well-being or even survival depends on.

But here’s the problem: even now as adults many of us still unconsciously engage in this behavioral pattern, when we don’t really need to. People-pleasing has become our second nature, and, whether we realize it or not, it is negatively affecting our lives.

The Most Common Habits of People Pleasers

Before we see what the negative effects of people-pleasing are, let’s first have a look at some common behavioral and psychological habits of people pleasers:

  • Saying “yes” when they want to say “no”
  • Apologizing for things they’re not responsible for
  • Suppressing anger, sadness or other “negative” emotions
  • Not expressing their genuine thoughts
  • Being constantly concerned about what others think of them
  • Trying to help others, even if those don’t ask for help
  • Feeling hurt when someone criticizes something they said or did
  • Being afraid of making a fool of themselves
  • Flattering others, even those they dislike
  • Avoiding disagreement and conflict
  • Wanting to appear perfect
  • Being hyper vigilant of other people
  • Doing favors for others, although they don’t want to
  • Not distancing themselves from certain people, even if they are abused by them
  • Feeling unworthy of love and respect
  • Believing that others know better than them
  • Letting others tell them how they ought to live
  • Showing compassion to others, but not to themselves

Now let’s turn our attention to how people-pleasing is affecting our lives.

The Negative Effects of People-Pleasing

The effects of people-pleasing can be seriously detrimental to ourselves, our relationships and the world around us. Below are the most important ones:

Stress, anxiety, fatigue and illness. To keep others satisfied, people pleasers emotionally suppress themselves quite a lot. They might want to cry in sadness or scream in anger, but they instead wear a fake smile to avoid conflict. They might want to sit quiet and relax, but they instead carry out tasks given to them by others. They might want to say “no” and step away from a relationship, but they instead choose to comply and stay with someone who’s abusing them. As a result of this ongoing emotional suppression, people pleasers experience chronic stress, which can lead to fatigue as well as mental and physical illnesses. In addition, because people pleasers are fixated on controlling people and situations, they tend to experience a lot of anxiety, as well as disappointment when things don’t turn out the way they wish.

Resentment and regret. When we don’t follow our gut, reject our inner voice, outsource our knowing or do things that are not in alignment with our needs and core values in order to please others, we’re dismissing our feelings and emotions, and therefore we’re, in a sense, betraying ourselves. In addition, when we’re constantly trying to please others, we usually end up finding that they take us for granted, which can make us feel unappreciated. Hence, we might end up experiencing resentment, and eventually regrets for not having spent our lives the way we wanted to.

Dysfunctional relationships. Although all that people pleasers want is to improve their relationships, in reality they’re unconsciously messing them up. There are several reasons for that, one of them being their dishonest behavior. If you think about it, people pleasers are, in a sense, liars, for they are pretending to be someone they are not. Of course, they don’t lie out of malicious intent, but in order to protect themselves. They are like chameleons, changing their appearance to adapt to their environment, hence nobody gets to know their true colors — at least, at the beginning of a relationship. This often results in communication problems, and once the truth surfaces, it can lead to serious interpersonal conflict. Another reason why people pleasers end up finding themselves in messed up relationships is that, due to their lack of assertiveness and weak interpersonal boundaries, they tend to attract narcissists and bullies into their lives. But because of the manipulative tactics of the latter, they might still feel accepted, loved and wanted, which is often what keeps them stuck in toxic relationships.

Lack of joy, freedom, meaning and purpose. People pleasers are living in a mental cage that prevents them from expressing their authenticity. They find it extremely hard to let go, enjoy themselves, pursue their dreams, or just speak out their mind and heart, for they are constantly concerned about what others think of them. As a result, they feel that their lives lack joy, freedom, meaning and purpose. Because of that, they tend to experience a sense of emptiness within, which they often mistakenly try to fill by pleasing others instead of taking care of their own needs.

Political obedience and conformity. Though often neglected by psychologists when talking about the negative effects of people-pleasing, this is another point worth mentioning. People pleasers tend to comply with sociopolitical systems, even if those are oppressing them and their fellow humans, or are destroying society and the planet. That’s because people pleasers are often scared to publicly question political authority, raise their voice against it, or move to the opposite direction of the masses. Instead, they are usually passive, conforming, doing as they are told, perhaps secretly waiting for some religious or political figure to save them — thus allowing injustices to continue, although they know well in their hearts that those are wrong and ought to be stopped.

How to Stop People-Pleasing

If you’ve found yourself to be people-pleasing often, and you’re wondering how to stop it, the following guide might come in handy.

  1. Become conscious of your behavior. The first and most important step to stop people-pleasing is to become aware that you’re engaging in it. To deal with a problem, we first need to become conscious of it, and the same holds true about people-pleasing.
  2. Don’t blame or judge yourself. To some extent, everyone tries to please others, and there’s no need to feel ashamed, guilty or bad about it, considering the reasons why you’re doing it. As we’ve seen, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism that was formed to keep you safe, so be grateful for all the help it has offered you.
  3. Listen to your internal guidance. Everyone has a gut feeling that informs them of what feels right and wrong at each moment. To better connect with it, spend regular time with yourself and pay close attention to your inner world — that is, your thoughts, emotions and feelings. This will help you to discern what your true needs and wants are, which is a prerequisite for communicating them to others.
  4. Respond, don’t react. People pleasers often react out of habit, saying and doing things they don’t really want to. To break that habit, you need to learn to pause, reflect on your needs, and repond according to each situation. For example, if someone asks you to do them a favor, take a few moments to consider if you want to or not, instead of immediately saying “yes” out of habit. And if you’re still unsure about it, let them know, and perhaps tell them that you’ll answer at a later time when you’ve made up your mind.
  5. Practice honesty. The primary purpose of communication is connection, and that connection depends on how much we are willing to open up and express ourselves. When we lie or don’t genuinely communicate our thoughts and feelings, others can’t get to truly know us. We might try to please them out of fear of rejection or desire for validation, and they might like us because of that, but in reality they don’t like us — they just like the mask we’re wearing. Hence, our relationships remain fake and skin-deep. So, I’d like to ask you: Do you want people to like you for someone you’re not? Wouldn’t it be better if you could connect with people who like and accept you as you are? By realizing the importance of honesty in forming genuine, intimate relationships, you’ll start opening up more to others, and see your relationships becoming much more satisfying.
  6. Set your boundaries. In a healthy relationship, we open up our hearts to include another as part of ourselves. That, however, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be setting any interpersonal boundaries whatsoever. In fact, for a relationship to work out, placing some strong boundaries are not only helpful, but necessary, for they inform others of what our needs and wants are. They also inform them that we won’t tolerate certain behaviors, so it becomes much more difficult to fall victim to abuse and manipulation. To set your boundaries, you need to clearly express them, both at the beginning of a relationship and later on as it evolves and your needs and wants change. A few examples include telling someone to stop lying to you, or to be on time when you have an appointment with them, or to not play music aloud while you’re resting. And if they continue the same behavior, they should be made aware that there will be consequences, such as you disengaging from the relationship.

I hope you found the above guide helpful. Needless to say, to stop people-pleasing can be imnmensely difficult, for it requires breaking down long-held mental and behavioral patterns. But through introspection, self-compassion and the cultivation of honesty, it can definitely be stopped, or at least minimized.

Video: Dharma Talk on Death

How can we find a freedom of heart in this world of birth and death? We can start by acknowledging that everything is subject to change. Death is an advisor that can give us clarity about what really matters. We can be the loving witness of this life, yet not cling to it. We can cherish life, yet in the end we will have to let go.

As Mary Oliver writes:
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones
knowing your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

For more teachings like this, please subscribe to my YouTube channel HERE.

This talk was originally livestreamed by Spirit Rock on 10/11/21.

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Video: Mindful Loving Witness Meditation

Gently acknowledge any strong waves of thought or emotion that pull you away from the breath. Let them rise and fall, then return to breath. Become the mindful loving witness of each breath.

For more teachings like this, please subscribe to my YouTube channel HERE.

This meditation was originally livestreamed by Spirit Rock on 10/11/21.

The post Video: Mindful Loving Witness Meditation appeared first on Jack Kornfield.